Monday, 23 April 2012

A life lived in 2 1/2 months (with soundtrack of its own)

I had exams this past month. They were pretty massive. The last leg of my 14 years in school.
So at the start of february I was supposed to do nothing except sit in a room and study till my exams ended in april.

2 and a half months are a long long time to spend by yourself.

When at 4 in the morning your friends fall asleep, there is no one to text and no one to chat with, the loneliness and a certain feeling of being lost starts to settle in. It was bizarre because till maybe a year ago being alone was never a problem. I felt the most comfortable alone, most relaxed and free. And then last year I made friends, such wonderful people, around whom I felt this similar freedom.
The thing about new friendships is that it takes its own sweet time to reach this stage of domesticity, where you know each others cousins, talk to their moms and know what you ate for dinner. It takes its own time, to reach this stage of utter comfort around each other. And for these particular new friendships that stage came rather quickly. So being alone was never an option. If I didn't text, they would. There was a want to be in the others company and it was wonderful.

So during these 2 and a half months of exam time we weren't seeing each other in school everyday, like we used to. It was just some texts and some late night calls to try and keep each other awake. But basically the practice was to switch off the phone for hours to try and stay focused.
For hours stretching from late night to early early morning I was left alone. And it felt a bit sad. I wanted to feel that same love I had earlier, for being alone. I wanted to fall back into that love.
When I look back now I guess my dread was mainly associated with the fact that I had to be up in that room studying. 2 and a half months of semi house arrest can do strange things to my mind. And my mind is already strange enough.

I would become bitter, sometimes restless. I stopped eating proper meals for a while in between. I was eating probably only one meal and a snack a day. It was not good. I guess that was my lowest point ever and that was only one exam down.

But one feeling I cannot forget throughout that entire time was this feeling, to just run away. Come back when everything was sorted and ready so I could then adjust and ease myself in later because there were and are so many things happening in my life at the moment that I still crave for just opening that front door and leaving. Not to be bothered and not to bother anyone else. Just leave.
I would stand at the door of my balcony looking out at the dimly lit colony street. I would feel the curtain swish behind me and I would have the strongest urge to just run away. I had to force my mind not to act on that impulse. I guess the biggest achievement of those days was bringing in that touch of sanity and not running away.

By the time of my last exam it was 16 of april. My task was nearing its end and what a task it was.
The night before my paper there was such a strong sense of finality looming.
It felt like an end.
The end of an established life. A ripping away from a well rooted foundation. By the end of those 2 and a half months I was a different person and at the end of that time I came to love the person I became, but more than anything I loved the person I was in that time. That was a part of me I had never seen and never experienced. I loved being her with all my heart. And I knew that after tomorrow, after the end of those exams I would never ever be her again and I felt sad.
Many things ended that night. Friendships and acquaintances that hadn't ever travelled out of the realm of school would end. And peace would be made a with a much larger end. With the end of exams focus would be shifted to the end of a home in delhi, an end of living with mum and dad, an end of a 17 year old lifestyle.

That was the night I finally made my peace with it and started to turn parts of that fearful change into fearlessness. Having trust out in the open, and believing that starting anew and fresh was good. That change is not at all scary.

That night of 15th april was a bittersweet one. A night to celebrate the amazing things I was extremely fortunate to experience and to feel a twinge of sadness at its end.
Because since that night I have not allowed myself to feel sad about this change or feel scared about. I remind myself and focus myself on only its exciting aspects and By jove! There are so many!

p.s- those are the songs I heard all throughout feb, march and much of april.

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