Clarity of Mind

I worked very hard these last 3 months at finally having some trust and faith in myself, finally understanding that when things start to go horribly wrong sometimes even disastrous, I could look after myself.

Of course nothing and no one would make things glossy and shiny instantly and neither can I.
I would feel blue and feel so utterly lost or helpless. I would dance or laugh or cry or just lay on the floor hearing the broken deep breath calm itself and transition to smooth.
I would do at that moment whatever that feeling compelled me to. Making sure I felt it completely.

And amidst this confusion of emotions, which seemed to be sinking me lower and lower, that trust I built up in the last months comes back.

It's a scary thing putting your entire trust and faith in someone.
But its even scarier when you put it in yourself.

Because if someone betrays your faith you can in a flurry of feelings go from feeling hurt to blaming that person. It's all too simple.

When things go wrong you don't even blame yourself. Or even if you do, the bottomless pit of self pity sits there waiting to drown you.

You blame yourself, which leads to doubting yourself. Not knowing if you are capable of choosing right from wrong. You start to depend on others, their words, their expectations and opinions.
Because since you seem so bad at handling your own life, what others say might just be good for you,  after all those expectations, even if are silent, are from the people who love you.

One tiny doubt in yourself leads to shifting the reigns of your life. You let one hiccup, which could easily have been overcome, change your life. And instead of solving the problem, you end up creating such a chaos of feelings in yourself.
You long for clarity and start to believe that someone will say something or do something to bring back that clarity.
You wait for epiphanies.
And epiphanies do not come to those who wait.

That clarity of mind is so fragile, susceptible to words that may be said or heard or read.

If you had just at that moment of hiccup, knowing that you are to blame, trusted in yourself that clarity would have returned.
Trusted in no one but yourself, because you did in the end know how to fix yourself.
Trusted that no matter how murky life became, you knew that even if it took years and years, you would make it better.

Blaming is human nature. Everyone blames each other and themselves for the things that happen but expecting someone else to guide you or help you or do the fixing for you is not right.

It's not only wrong but completely stupid. You broke something, you fix it, especially if it's your heart. If someone else broke it, more reason for you to fix it yourself.

Trust yourself, more than others do, that is where the clarity of mind is, the epiphanies.
No one is going to do things for you.
No one is going to be you.

They will only throw words at you, for your good or bad, but they will just be words.
Trust in your own first before you trust in others.